write it down

People are defined by actions not by thoughts, wishes, prayers or intentions. I live because I grew back. I am here roots deep because of my flexibility to weather the storms. These are actions. In human terms our volition to act is a demonstration, an extension of our inner worlds. This is a human process: I think (or feel) > i desire > [I THINK AGAIN] > i act > i experience the consequences of my actions. There are a couple of scenarios where this process gets contorted, blocked or otherwise interrupted which lead to some of the issues we face now in society. I.e. with a docile herd populace- resentful or not- unable to take action to defend-grow-or build for themselves. The idea exemplified in the flow naturally hinges on the critical third phase: “I THINK AGAIN”. Almost all first thoughts of human beings come up as a programmed derivative, compulsion, or survival rhetoric. The air to these thoughts and the felt sense usually imposes some sense of urgency on the subject, and/or some sense of inflated future pleasure of satisfaction. Ie. (Feeling) Hungry > (Deseire) Bacon Cheeseburger > (Action) Go to restaurant, eat burger > (Consequence) Satiety (Short Term) Health implications (Long Term). The issue with the scenario isn't necessarily the bacon burger (though arguments could be made against the meat consumption from many angles)- the issue is the lack of 1) Awareness 2) Critical reasoning 3) Multidirection of the thought. Adding or becoming aware of the thought, its possible origins biologically (Im on my period- of course im craving red meat, i need a hit of mineral rich food right now), psychologically (im seeking comfort and grounding because i am high stress/high energy and really just want to come down and be soothed), or socially (im at a barbeque with family and uncle danny is grilling up the bacon burgers, ill ask my dad if he wants one and we can eat together)- this line of what we will call “Awareness” is hugely valuable and important part of the “evolved” human architecture.
Our earlier ancestors worked with a much simpler directional thinking loop than what we have the privilege of today. However in modern capitalist society when the human has become not only the number one commodity but also the prime consumer- there are powers that be who wish to reduce the collective power of reason and critical thinking.
AND LARGELY THEY HAVE SUCCEEDED BECAUSE THEY HAVE UNDERMINED OUR CONFIDENCE IN HUMAN CONNECTION, SHARING AND TRUST.
(i will return to this point shortly)
After awareness comes critical reasoning- which could also be referred to as “Forethought”. All animals or most have the capacity for forethought so long as they have memory. It is the consideration of the consequences of one's desires or actions. This split second of consideration can lead to assuredness in one's decisions or redirection of desires and ultimately outcomes. Take for example the social scenario above- i am aware that i want a burger and i am at a barbeque with dad. However last time I got a burger that uncle danny made, it was too big and rich- so i couldnt finish it. I dont want to waste food so I decided to have potato salad instead. This all sounds very basic- and if you, reader, are like “Yes obviously, this is how thoughts work in my head, you don't have to tell me how thinking works.”, then rest assured that you are using parts of your brain that some have not yet discovered. And it is basic! But even for folks with developed critical thinking skills- there is the further phenomenon of: Making an informed decision to pursue or act however being blocked-impotent-paralyzed to bring that thought to action.
There are many MANY books written on the modern developments of trauma science that elucidate the blocking and paralyzing effect trauma has on the nervous, brain and biological systems. However here I will focus on the social anthropologic side of things. There is a specific blockage that occurs in people when they desire an action, a change, and are seemingly incapable to bring that to fruition because ultimately of FEAR of others opinion of them, or the response of power structures to their actions. This fear manifests itself socially and consciously as 1) Self Doubt 2) Lack of Confidence, or could be radicalized into forming 3) Antisocial Proclivities. It is important to say that I am not using the traditional historical context of hysteria diagnosis or formative antisocial pathology assessment when I use this verbiage. I mean in the most social sense of the innate potential social connection abilities and needs of the human being are snuffed or dysfunctional. Not from a moral stance but from a collective humanist one this is an issue because people who lack confidence in themselves have been instilled within them fear by someone in their lives who used that power over them (be it a mother, teacher, bully or the state itself- police, social services, policy). Disempowering people is the greatest tool of political violence that happens so quietly and systematically that so often it goes unnoticed and becomes integrated or normalized.
We- in community of other humans on this earth however know that the pain of feeling without agency, without decision making ability, without a voice or ENSLAVED- and the subsequent nihilism or hatred or antisocial ideologies that are borne of this is IN ITSELF THE ESSENCE OF DEHUMANIZATION USED TO TEAR US FROM EACHOTHER. If you take people disempowered to the degree where they no longer sing, or make music or drum together; and you reintroduce to this group some others who still feel the joy of singing with their brothers and sisters, siblings and family, then they will teach eachother and RESTORE EACHOTHERS HUMANITY.
This tactic or strategy has also for years been used by anarchists and underground movements alike; subversion–infection–contagion. Insofar as the seeds of freedom and human connection, restoration to agency is spread- and its roots nurtured by the loving hands of folks who have regained their personal agency and confidence again- this united humanity is possible. No matter what the state may tell us. What some well meaning but equally disenfranchised loved ones may tell us– this is possible, not because we are all redeemable good or any moral stance– but because there will always be at least one person left who can hold another into growing into themselves.
To summarize; we do not make decisions in isolation– our thought and train of thought is TAUGHT. Some were taught how to think by those who have vested interest in ensuring that they do not think for themselves. This must be unlearned. It will only be unlearned through the lovingly planted seeds of freedom and autonomy that are planted by others who have too reclaimed the growth of their own minds.
I was told when i was a child that i asked too may questions- then one day when i was nearly grown- a crone bent to me and told me her wisdom:
“If someone tells you to stop questioning them– it is because they are afraid of themselves that they do not have the answers. The trick is; that all the questions in the world have answers– you just must know where to look.”- Victoria Martinez
And this place to look is into my own eyes in the mirror, it is into the flowing river, it is into the shoulder of my brother as I weep– and there I have found the answers.

self creation is part and parcel of the death of selves. it seems like it will scare people away. and it will. and if anything was ever meant to be it is this. i never believed it was necessary to have enemies. i never believed it was inevitable. i thought i was personally, as such a being of light and life is, immune to the eminence of being intentionally snuffed and smothered. during many a smothering i have endured in patient suffocation the moment of breath to reanimate my hopeful longing, that with this gift of breath i may explain myself into being understood.
even in violence i wanted for nothing more than the striking hands caress
you can call it stockholm syndrome, or trauma bonding, or maladaptive coping mechanisms, or (what may be closer to the truth) the paramount sacrifices a human being is willing to make in the pursuit of being loved. but i will choose to call it unprotected optimism.
which is also evidently not impermeable.
in following that defenseless optimism to the furthest it would take me i lost the thread of my humanity responsible for my self preservation.
i just wanted to be a good guy
and- you wanted to be seen as a good guy
and in being seen as a good guy, receive the validation you needed
to believe that to be self evident.
i just wanted to make everybody happy
and- you wanted to give nobody ever a reason to be angry
towards you, in order to circumvent the human requirement of encountering conflict
i have heard recently that conflict, inconvenience, annoyance and dissagreements are the prices we pay for living in community with other human beings. it is the cost of alleviating lonlieness and becoming a part of something. which- as much as many would not like to admit- is an basic need of all living humans on planet earth. there is no substitute for human connection and no amount of late stage individualist self interest disguised as meditation, enlightenment or retreat will reconcile the fractured parts of the human being that only others loving hands can accomplish. and in order to convince a human being that they do not in fact need others loving hands- you must alienate him from his community.
this is one source of conflict- the implantation of alienation.
and the antidote is exactly what is being taught to be feared- the source of the conflict itself, human connection with the likely potential for difference.
this is not an ode to why cant we all just get along, i don't see color, liberal democrat feel good hand holding. it is a point of optimism rooted in the nihilist truth of existence: personal conflict exists in a world where simultaneously human connection exists. and it is not a matter of one of these facts trumping the significance of the other- it is a matter of living in the nuance of the unknown, the courage, and the RISK of embodying ones own self realization and truths in the commons of human connection. this commons is the source of all hurt insofar as food is the source of all food poisoning. could the romaine lettuce have a devastating e-coli bacteria on it? yes. am i still excited, enthralled and most definitely going to wash, prepare and consume the romaine lettuce? also yes.
human beings are arguably more complex than a vegetable when it comes to interactions, psyche, identity and communication with eachother, but the point stands.
we need eachother like we need food. to fuel, inspire, sustain and nourish eachother. i could quote biological studies on the neuroscientific effect of amplification of wellbeing, health and actual lifespan of elderly folks who maintain community, friendships, and outings into community spaces in the greater world. this is well known and medically respected. but in the modern development of capitalist interests pushing hyper-invididualism, separation, intra-class warfare; newly packaged in a progressive agenda, we must resist in the form uniting in shared humanity that demands solidarity.
classification of my victimization helped me for a long time to conceptualize my trauma. and from this state i was able to recognize the defenselessness and traumatization of those i loved and those i detested.
this is an important stage.
but next comes the transcendence of victimhood into something more nuanced, something more true, and something way more vulnerably defensible. from this place no- i do not tolerate those who tresspass against me, or turn the other cheek, or in martyrdom sacrifice myself to make others more comfortable. i do not make excuses for those who do violence to others. i can name oppression for what it is and oppose it in resistance.
the resistance looks eerily similar to relationships with other human beings- the supposed source of my suffering- and the only true antidote against the deadly conspiracy of separation.