self creation
Jan. 6th, 2026 09:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mcbratself creation is part and parcel of the death of selves. it seems like it will scare people away. and it will. and if anything was ever meant to be it is this. i never believed it was necessary to have enemies. i never believed it was inevitable. i thought i was personally, as such a being of light and life is, immune to the eminence of being intentionally snuffed and smothered. during many a smothering i have endured in patient suffocation the moment of breath to reanimate my hopeful longing, that with this gift of breath i may explain myself into being understood.
even in violence i wanted for nothing more than the striking hands caress
you can call it stockholm syndrome, or trauma bonding, or maladaptive coping mechanisms, or (what may be closer to the truth) the paramount sacrifices a human being is willing to make in the pursuit of being loved. but i will choose to call it unprotected optimism.
which is also evidently not impermeable.
in following that defenseless optimism to the furthest it would take me i lost the thread of my humanity responsible for my self preservation.
i just wanted to be a good guy
and- you wanted to be seen as a good guy
and in being seen as a good guy, receive the validation you needed
to believe that to be self evident.
i just wanted to make everybody happy
and- you wanted to give nobody ever a reason to be angry
towards you, in order to circumvent the human requirement of encountering conflict
i have heard recently that conflict, inconvenience, annoyance and dissagreements are the prices we pay for living in community with other human beings. it is the cost of alleviating lonlieness and becoming a part of something. which- as much as many would not like to admit- is an basic need of all living humans on planet earth. there is no substitute for human connection and no amount of late stage individualist self interest disguised as meditation, enlightenment or retreat will reconcile the fractured parts of the human being that only others loving hands can accomplish. and in order to convince a human being that they do not in fact need others loving hands- you must alienate him from his community.
this is one source of conflict- the implantation of alienation.
and the antidote is exactly what is being taught to be feared- the source of the conflict itself, human connection with the likely potential for difference.
this is not an ode to why cant we all just get along, i don't see color, liberal democrat feel good hand holding. it is a point of optimism rooted in the nihilist truth of existence: personal conflict exists in a world where simultaneously human connection exists. and it is not a matter of one of these facts trumping the significance of the other- it is a matter of living in the nuance of the unknown, the courage, and the RISK of embodying ones own self realization and truths in the commons of human connection. this commons is the source of all hurt insofar as food is the source of all food poisoning. could the romaine lettuce have a devastating e-coli bacteria on it? yes. am i still excited, enthralled and most definitely going to wash, prepare and consume the romaine lettuce? also yes.
human beings are arguably more complex than a vegetable when it comes to interactions, psyche, identity and communication with eachother, but the point stands.
we need eachother like we need food. to fuel, inspire, sustain and nourish eachother. i could quote biological studies on the neuroscientific effect of amplification of wellbeing, health and actual lifespan of elderly folks who maintain community, friendships, and outings into community spaces in the greater world. this is well known and medically respected. but in the modern development of capitalist interests pushing hyper-invididualism, separation, intra-class warfare; newly packaged in a progressive agenda, we must resist in the form uniting in shared humanity that demands solidarity.
classification of my victimization helped me for a long time to conceptualize my trauma. and from this state i was able to recognize the defenselessness and traumatization of those i loved and those i detested.
this is an important stage.
but next comes the transcendence of victimhood into something more nuanced, something more true, and something way more vulnerably defensible. from this place no- i do not tolerate those who tresspass against me, or turn the other cheek, or in martyrdom sacrifice myself to make others more comfortable. i do not make excuses for those who do violence to others. i can name oppression for what it is and oppose it in resistance.
the resistance looks eerily similar to relationships with other human beings- the supposed source of my suffering- and the only true antidote against the deadly conspiracy of separation.
even in violence i wanted for nothing more than the striking hands caress
you can call it stockholm syndrome, or trauma bonding, or maladaptive coping mechanisms, or (what may be closer to the truth) the paramount sacrifices a human being is willing to make in the pursuit of being loved. but i will choose to call it unprotected optimism.
which is also evidently not impermeable.
in following that defenseless optimism to the furthest it would take me i lost the thread of my humanity responsible for my self preservation.
i just wanted to be a good guy
and- you wanted to be seen as a good guy
and in being seen as a good guy, receive the validation you needed
to believe that to be self evident.
i just wanted to make everybody happy
and- you wanted to give nobody ever a reason to be angry
towards you, in order to circumvent the human requirement of encountering conflict
i have heard recently that conflict, inconvenience, annoyance and dissagreements are the prices we pay for living in community with other human beings. it is the cost of alleviating lonlieness and becoming a part of something. which- as much as many would not like to admit- is an basic need of all living humans on planet earth. there is no substitute for human connection and no amount of late stage individualist self interest disguised as meditation, enlightenment or retreat will reconcile the fractured parts of the human being that only others loving hands can accomplish. and in order to convince a human being that they do not in fact need others loving hands- you must alienate him from his community.
this is one source of conflict- the implantation of alienation.
and the antidote is exactly what is being taught to be feared- the source of the conflict itself, human connection with the likely potential for difference.
this is not an ode to why cant we all just get along, i don't see color, liberal democrat feel good hand holding. it is a point of optimism rooted in the nihilist truth of existence: personal conflict exists in a world where simultaneously human connection exists. and it is not a matter of one of these facts trumping the significance of the other- it is a matter of living in the nuance of the unknown, the courage, and the RISK of embodying ones own self realization and truths in the commons of human connection. this commons is the source of all hurt insofar as food is the source of all food poisoning. could the romaine lettuce have a devastating e-coli bacteria on it? yes. am i still excited, enthralled and most definitely going to wash, prepare and consume the romaine lettuce? also yes.
human beings are arguably more complex than a vegetable when it comes to interactions, psyche, identity and communication with eachother, but the point stands.
we need eachother like we need food. to fuel, inspire, sustain and nourish eachother. i could quote biological studies on the neuroscientific effect of amplification of wellbeing, health and actual lifespan of elderly folks who maintain community, friendships, and outings into community spaces in the greater world. this is well known and medically respected. but in the modern development of capitalist interests pushing hyper-invididualism, separation, intra-class warfare; newly packaged in a progressive agenda, we must resist in the form uniting in shared humanity that demands solidarity.
classification of my victimization helped me for a long time to conceptualize my trauma. and from this state i was able to recognize the defenselessness and traumatization of those i loved and those i detested.
this is an important stage.
but next comes the transcendence of victimhood into something more nuanced, something more true, and something way more vulnerably defensible. from this place no- i do not tolerate those who tresspass against me, or turn the other cheek, or in martyrdom sacrifice myself to make others more comfortable. i do not make excuses for those who do violence to others. i can name oppression for what it is and oppose it in resistance.
the resistance looks eerily similar to relationships with other human beings- the supposed source of my suffering- and the only true antidote against the deadly conspiracy of separation.
