write it down

Im second guessing every word that ive said in the past 7 days seriously. In a way that clearly so clearly feels unreasonable?? Inaccurate?? Simply not based in the reality of realities that we share? I feel like every word i have said recently is hanging in the air and that none of it is landing?? I feel like theres so much more that i want to say and it doesnt feel like the righ time for any of it??
As i said this out loud on this paper i literally envisioned myself stuffing bread and butter into my face. What the fuck
This stuff goes so deep my god damn digestive system is the one who ultimately has to feel the brunt of my process. It doesnt feel right to put it into words but i also dont want to fucking think about stuff like this any more than ive already given space to it in my head.
I feel like ive been waiting for the things to end! Il start something and clearly visualize the end– the culmination of the thing in my mind, and the whole process of the becoming of this action is pre released into the visualization of the carrot of the end. BUT THERES SOMEHOW NO CARROT??? And even if there was i feel like im in the place of denying and saying oh no no not me im not hungry does anyone else want the carrot???
And this is it.
This is the crux of it
This is when the space between my skin and my heart becomes uncomfortable:
When the fruit that i had visualized has arrived – and when the action that i have labored over is distracted entirely by the projection of its end – that i am estranged from the fruit as well as estranged from the action.
Its the whole the destination is in the journey thing– except there is no fucking destination at all.
The materializations of the product of the actions that i take somehow feel acutely not mine. Yes i sent you the money – yes i started the spring cleaning – yes i threw the plant over the balcony and it exploded like a powder puff on the asphalt sidewalk. But the sense of finishing and completion is consistently mentally aborted eVEN IN THE PRESENCE OF THE PRODUCT IT HAS PRODUCED.
I still have to make more money so later i can send you more money – i still have to finish the spring cleaning, and i have to delegate the tasks which are too much for me to do myself, and i have to let everyone know what everyone will be doing, and go to the trash bins, and buy a swiffer and and and and and infinitum- the plant throwing was really satisfying and it really needed to be off of the 4th floor balcony, now i have to go clean it up in the cover of night so nobody associates me with this mess. In doing so i am alienated from the mess!! I am hiding myself in hiding the mess!!

UGUGHGHUHGGUHGHUGHOKAUDHAGU,H

I feel weird. This morning i felt angry. Now i have to go ask my coworker to explain something either today or tomorrow with how to do a complex task that is already something i should have a command of doing but that i dont. I dont. And truthfully right now in this moment i dont WANT TO. I DONT WANT TO KNOW. I DONT WANT TO LEARN. I dont want to configure the data migration and the flow and the assignments and the subtypes i dont want to!!! But mostly i just dont want to talk.
I dont want to ask and i dont want to be heard and i dont want answers.
I feel like every compliment someone gives me about how its good that i asked or i really actually know well how to do this or i have helped them or i am beautiful or whatever is a nicety that i would much rather be spared!!!!@

I dont remember feeling this level of self doubt, anxiety and inferiority in quite some time.

Crazy beans dude.

Well thats how it goes i think. And its cool. Im not going to finish this journal with a why this fits into gods plan or the universal will or why im stronger now than i was before because i dont even want placations from my own damn self. xoxoxoxo